Friday, December 5, 2014

How my mom's recent heart attack showed me something very valuable about myself and my family.

....feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we are holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we would rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us with terrifying clarity, exactly where we are stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are. -Pema Chodron

This morning I woke up thinking about the recent situation I just went though and what was shown to me, with terrifying clarity. My mom had a heart attack the evening of the 26th, the day before Thanksgiving.

Old pains in my chest started to flair up and I felt like I was having a heart attack myself. Now, I am empathetic to other's pain, but I knew this particular pain very well. This spot behind my left shoulder blade, that reverberates around to the front of my body and tightening of the diaphragm is where I store all my old pain and hurts. These back (heart) pains, at one time in my life, I felt every day. But since I started doing my inner work, I only rarely feel them anymore. At this point, the pain only shows up when I am thinking a fear based thought. A teacher in the present moment, to notice my thoughts and where the pain is stored in my body.

Since actively starting my inner work five years ago now, living from this aware perspective, receiving the messages from a deeper connection with spirit that guides me, life has been a roller coaster of growth. See, it does not happen overnight, it is a lifelong journey, a peeling of the onion layers. Based on my inner truth, I now believe this is why we are here, to experience true acceptance, learning to open our heart and love ourselves and others completely, unconditionally. Ultimately this leads to a feeling of oneness, as I am starting to really feel and understand through this project experience.

Usually we are not ready to wake up, until we are "forced" to, when masking the feelings and emotions becomes unmanageable. We have an experience, cancer, heart attack, divorce, hitting rock bottom with addiction, something happens to kick us in the butt and say, you ready to see yet? We usually see these wake up call experiences as bad, a punishment. But when ready, we can see the experiences for what they really are, a gift. An opportunity to start loving and caring for ourselves. We decide it is safe enough to start to change the old patterns that keep replaying. As we start to do this, our trust and connection grows because we experience the changes first hand and we learn that life is safe. Ego thinks it is protecting us, keeping everything the same, keeping the walls up and the heart closed. What a farce, because staying asleep is the only thing that is not safe and causes harm to ourselves, others and our bodies.

Each person must have their own experience to become a believer. They need their own evidence in order to trust enough to start letting down the walls that have been built up through the years, to feel safe enough to bypass the egos fear of change. It takes time to lower the walls enough to open up, to be willing to trust and to deepen a connection with spirit (many have closed this door completely, usually those that have the deepest hurts and feel abandoned, shamed or guilted by their church experiences, those who feel they are being punished and they also feel very alone and much fear, as they believe that they are being tossed in the seas of life, that have no rhyme or reason).

My wake up call experience was the year that lead up to my divorce and then the divorce process itself. I found the book Radical Forgiveness and this started my active awakening. I had dabbled in the past, read The Celestine Prophecy and other such books, priming me for what was to soon come, when and only when, I was ready. Because the Radical Forgiveness work was to play a key role in my life's mission and work, I had a profound first experience with it. Spirit knew, I needed a miracle in order to be a believer and to feel safe enough jumping on the "inner work" boat! In fact, as I have gotten off topic as to what the story is about, what I have learned from my mom's recent heart attack....I really see now just how "in the head" me and my family tend to be. We are heady, intellectualizing and trying to understand (a safety mechanism) and in the process have become so disassociated with our HEARTS and feelings.

Back to the first experience that made me a believer, I forgave my mom, almost instantaneously. I read Radical Forgiveness with no expectations (I just picked it up to read because the cover was pink and red, another story, but seriously! Thought, this looks kind of interesting, that's it). Read the book and filled out ONE worksheet, which is the tool used to do the work. What happened after filling out this ONE meaningless piece of paper, with no expectations whatsoever, was nothing short of a Miracle and honestly would be another long blog post all together. The most important information, details of the story itself excluded... was that somehow, I healed not only my very broken relationship with my mom, but something changed in my entire family line. This was made evident to me less than five minutes after completing my first worksheet. My ENTIRE life changed that day and I was on my mission!!

No better way to re-affirm this forgiveness that took place with my mom more than five years ago, than last week, when my mom had a heart attack. My heart ached, I became aware of all the old feelings still trapped in my chest. I can tell you every pattern that has ever existed in my life, every aspect of my shadow, I have read and studied and can teach it to others. Intellectually, I have so much figured out. But what became terrifyingly clear to me, was that I realized my story, a belief that feeling the feelings and opening up the pandora's box of deep emotion is too scary and even dangerous. I think most people have this story and it is what keeps us stuck, holds us back or stops us in our tracks on the inner journey of growth. We let down the walls just enough to feel SOME things and then we intellectualize the others. This FEAR is so debilitating in our subconscious, that we would rather close down and block our hearts from opening completely. However, the truth is, this story we create is far more scary than actually feeling the emotions, acknowledging them and letting them move on through and out. Instead, we create sickness, heart attacks, cancer, by bottling up all of our feelings, our bodies begin to attack ourselves, when we can no longer hold in and down all these blocked emotions.

It's interesting, throughout my mom and dad's lives, they have opened the door and let down the walls a bit, but then something would happen, a "bad" experience and trust would waiver, walls would go back up. Ever since I started really "going for it" with my inner work, so much has opened up with my family. My brother, sister, mom and dad are all slowly letting down their walls too and starting to feel more. The health scares with my mom and earlier this year with my dad (who had a stroke) have really been a wake up call for us all.

Time for me to question my story, that it is scary or dangerous to actually feel this old stuff, the deep stuff that is more well hidden, the family lineage passed down through generations, the stuff that resides in my chest. In fact, I actually went to get my yearly physical a few days ago (great timing right, after feeling a great deal of stress!). I wanted to make sure my heart was okay for a more strenuous yoga program I want to start. An EKG was done and came back abnormal. The doctor was not worried, as "he has seen this many times, machines can be set to the wrong parameters and so forth". However, of course, I was worried and now have to wait until after the Holidays to get in to see a cardiologist.

As I sat with my feelings and finally did cry (after putting on my strong front for dealing with a parent whom just has a heart attack). I realized just how repressed I still am to feeling the feelings and just letting them wash through me. Its so deeply ingrained, the protection mechanisms we use to BLOCK ourselves from feeling. We do it unconsciously for the most part, we change the subject, eat, drink, exercise, facebook or phone surf, we are very good at staying busy and distracting ourselves. We will do almost anything to not feel a so called "negative" feeling. We actually tell ourselves we don't have TIME to feel right now. This is why it is so important to live consciously, from an awake and aware perspective. In order to consciously try not to stuff emotions back down, to stop the distraction pattern. To find some time to be alone if needed and feel those feelings. Because what you resist, will persist.

I can now see, after reflection, that this experience happened to show me what old stories and patterns are below the surface to be questioned, reframed and healed. Another chance to love and accept myself and to CHOOSE to live differently. To help others to do the same, when they are ready. I am Thankful for this Thanksgiving day lesson and the insights that have followed. The great talks I have had with my family following these recent experiences, have deepened our bonds and enabled us to speak our truths. What a gift to heal old family line patterns, by bringing them to light, forgiving, understanding and accepting with love.

God, great spirit, universe, please give me the strength and bravery to continue to open my heart and feel, to share my vulnerability (which is power, not weakness as I once believed) and my story with others so that they can feel empowered to do the same. Please help me to question my old stories that no longer serve me and to trust and know that you are with me and it is safe to feel the old emotional baggage trapped within my body.

I feel a peace within that I never thought possible. I am at peace with me, I am learning to love and to accept all parts of myself, to be proud of my gifts and share them with others, allowing for all of our inner lights to shine.




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